Blank

2019 is a tough year. 

I lost a lot of thing. 

I told my parents everything hoping to get some helps.

It's the same.

The same as I talked to my friend.

I'm tired.

I won't tell anyone anymore.

I'm tired.

Master degree. 

Average time of study is 2 years.

Most people did it.

I start in January of 2017. 

Three and a half years. 

I passed my viva examination but with minor correction on dissertation.

Every time I touch this subject, I fell into depression. 

Some of the times, I tried to do as long as I can.

Most of the times, I stopped doing and lied onto my bed crying and fall asleep.

No body knows this as I did it behind locked door.

I been trying to do the correction for 25 days straight, I done only 10%.

I did not dare to find jobs. 

I no longer have any money in my bank.

Those hard earned money from my part-time, my allowance from research assistance, my PTPTN that waived and all my saving since childhood are all gone. ALL GONE.

I did not spent all of them but things happened.

I'm tired. 

I want to talk to people about my problem but I trust no one.

Not my family, not my friend, no one.

After all, I talked to my family, closest friend, best cousin and even counselling.

No one is really helping.

I know it is my problem and I have to settle it myself.

I just lonely and sad. 

I can't do it when I feel so.

Blank. My mind went blank every time I try to do things related to my Master Degree.

It not Master Degree problem, it's me. 

I cannot bring myself to motivate, to focus, to do.

I just want to end it but it never ending. 

I want to end it without doing it. 

I know no one will read this so I just write it here. 

But if you ever read it, may be a knock on my chat or whatever.

I kinda wish to talk to someone.

After all, I'm lonely.

I'm glad I still have a place for me to let it out. 

It really building up a lot in me now. right now.

I really wish I build more courage to tell my supervisors I really tired of doing it. 

Although it just left a bit, I way too exhausting mentally that I could possibly go further. 

I wish my next post can be something not so depressing.

I wish I still alive. In and out.

.--. .-.. . .- ... . / ... .- ...- . / -- . .-.-.-

Meaningless

The more you walk, the more you felt meaningless. 

This is how I felt day by day.

You can't love anything you like, you shouldn't do anything you want.

But if that is what you like and want, you do it with the risk.

The risk of losing everything, even your life.

When you think that you don't want to lose your life, you start to doubt.

You start to lost direction of where you heading.

You wanted a new life. You can't walk out of the old life.

Everything become so meaningless.

The old life is still haunting you, the new life is no where near you.

You scream, shout and cry in silent. No one will ever notice.

You hide in close room, day by day hoping a better day.

But you know there will be no better day ahead unless you throw away all the past.

You hold dear your past, you don't want to let go. 

Because you know once you let go, everything in your life will be empty.

Even if you set foot to a new life, there will still be emptiness within you.

At the end of the day, everything is meaningless.

I want an end.

I don't think I can walk any longer.
I want to end this life.
It's pain. Only pain.
I can't talk to anyone.
When this life end, everything will end.
That's how my mind could only think.
I wish to meet someone who having the same thinking with me.

I can't talk to any people about my problem.
Because it is too sensitive.
I gave it a few tries to different people previously.
All turn out bad. I don't want to talk anymore.

It getting harder to move on.
I can't do what I suppose to do.
My brain stuck with those thing.
I willing to sacrifice myself to end it with those thing that to wipe off all those memories.
What can I do? What should I do?

There is no more turning back. There is no more.